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My dad, hospitalized again. This time more lucid. No stroke just decline. He will not be coming home. He even knows it. "It seems reasonable," he said. At the beginning of the call he said "Mom said you want to know about nursing homes." Usually in the hospital he thinks he is back at the social security office, at home or camp or somewhere very far away. He knows where he is, at this particular moment. I am driving and I am crying. He cannot hear this and I can only hear every third word of his. His speech is not clear and our connection is bad. His mood is okay though, even upbeat. At times he is giggling in the conversation. He has commented on something funny and I've missed it. It is desperate on my part, to detach his mood from his general situation. I'm really searching for something to latch onto. Yes, you will be stuck in someplace that I think may actually be called an infirmary forever, but at least you are happy. Me, I've got complete freedom, every material need accommodated and I just can’t stop crying. I cry at moments like this, I cry when friends share stories about love, I cry during handstands in yoga. But he is okay. “As time goes on you find more satisfaction’ or ‘more to be satisfied with’ … something like that. I want to hear more about this but his speech becomes less coherent. I ask him to go back to that thought. I want to learn from it. But its too late, he can’t remember it.